How to Listen Unconditionally
By: Eden Amital (LSWAIC)
Do you long for your child to share more about themselves with you? Do you want to know what they’re thinking and feeling? Maybe you feel frustrated with them and confused by their behavior, and want to understand what’s going on, and why they’re making certain choices?
Consider experimenting with unconditional, deep listening.
When young people share about themselves and their experiences, they are rarely asking to be corrected, fixed, or redirected. Instead, they are inviting us into connection. They want us to be present with them, not control or correct them. And even with the best intentions, it’s easy to slip into subtle forms of power-over.
These reactions often arise from a desire to raise responsible, thoughtful kids. But they shift the interaction from connection to control and in doing so, we miss the opportunity to connect and really understand.
True listening starts with ourselves: within our own bodies and minds. You might ask: what feelings are arising within me as my child is communicating with me? Am I in a heightened moment of reactivity? Do I feel angry or frustrated? Am I responding to my child in the present moment, or to my own discomfort with their emotions, thoughts, and beliefs? For many of us, listening is conditional.
Often, as adults and caregivers, the message we give to kids is “If you are not ‘respectful/good/obedient,’ we won’t listen to your thoughts and feelings.” So often, then, when kids need us most – in deep dysregulation, anger, frustration, and anxiety – we aren’t meeting them with acceptance and warmth. Instead, we make them feel bad or wrong or get them “in trouble” for not having developed communication and regulation skills.
What would happen if instead, in a moment of activation, you were able to validate your internal experience (I’m hurt and upset by the way my child is speaking to me - this is hard!) while staying connected with your kid by naming their emotions and expressing a desire to understand and stay with them. You might say: “OK, I’m hearing that you’re upset/frustrated. I really want to understand your thinking on this. What am I missing?”
This is where Mindful Parenting offers deep support.
Examples of Power-Over:
Pointing out inconsistencies in their thinking (“But you treated your sister like that last week!”)
Offering advice before empathy (“You should really talk to your teacher about that missing assignment.”)
Steering the conversation elsewhere (“Instead of talking about your [special interest], it’s important that we focus on what happened at school the other day.”)
Pressuring them to feel or think differently (“That’s horrible that you feel that way about yourself. You shouldn’t feel self-conscious, you’re amazing!”)
Shaming, blaming, or judging (“You’re being selfish /difficult /entitled /rude/ bad /wrong.”)
