Do I Need to Hug Grandma?: Navigating Body Boundaries at Family Gatherings
By: Quinn Boyle (MA, LMHCA)
We’ve all been there. As we peel off winter jackets at the front door, we are met with warm aromatics wafting in from the kitchen, the din of many voices in a small space, and of course open arms, many sets of them. Well-intentioned aunts may instantly pull us close, or a grandparent may reach over and welcome your teen with a kiss on the cheek. In most cases, these hugs, squeezes, cheek grabs, and kisses are messages of love and hospitality. However, as many readers may note, this touch can at times feel awkward, uncomfortable, anxiety-inducing, or even downright dreadful. Because this type of touch at a family gathering often lacks consent. The question many families grapple with is how to strike a balance between being kind, courteous attendees of an event while maintaining consistent messaging about bodily autonomy.
Most parents and caregivers want their children and teens to feel in control of their bodies. Parents want their kids to be able to draw boundaries with others when play gets too rough or a peer touches them in a way that feels uncomfortable. As caregivers, we often tell youth to be wary of touch from unfamiliar adults; so why should we respond differently to unwanted touch from family and close friends? Our kids need to know how to follow their gut and set boundaries with loved ones, as they are practicing vital life skills with every family visit. Every child and teen has their own unique set of body boundaries and thresholds for touch when taught that they have a voice on the matter. Some neurodivergent kids or youth with sensory sensitivities may be particularly uncomfortable with certain types of touch, particularly when consent is lacking.
But how does one approach such a difficult topic with their kids? And how do we set limits with our friends and family in a way that shows love for our children and as well as patience and grace to the other party? You can think of these four “P”’s for guidance: Prepare, Provide options, Practice, and be Practical.
The Four P’s: For Setting Body Boundaries
1. Prepare
Find a time that your family is together and calm to discuss each family member’s body boundaries in preparation for the family gathering.
Think about who will be there and if those attendees have violated body boundaries in the past. How can you troubleshoot these issues?
What type of touch (if any) is your child/teen comfortable with and what are they uncomfortable with? How will the youth/family express this boundary at this event?*
Examples: “Hi abuelo, would you like a hug?” “Alex prefers high fives today”. “Anika, would you like to give your cousin a hug?”
*Note: It’s best to put the young person in the “driver’s seat” as much as possible when advocating boundaries, though some youth need more support from caregivers when first setting new boundaries with others.
2. Provide Options
When discussing body boundaries for the event with your child/teen, they may find it helpful to brainstorm alternatives to hugs, such as high fives, handshakes, side hugs, waving, blowing a kiss, etc.
3. Practice
If a youth seems nervous about their boundary setting plan, some role-play practice may be helpful. They could do this practice at home or with their therapist.
4. be Practical
Boundary setting is a difficult process. It is important that youth and their caregivers are aware that setting boundaries at family gatherings will likely bring up awkward feelings and that some family or friends may not react as you wish them to. Learning to withstand this distress is another useful skill.
Learn more about the author and our partner practice, Juneberry Pediatric Counseling, by clicking here.
